Should Is A Sh*^ty Word
Seriously. I hate the word ‘should’. Every time I say it and I still catch myself, I cringe. It’s up there in my books with the word ‘try’. Ah! That word makes me want to blow a gasket sometimes too. But, the word ‘should’ is just more shitty. So why is it when I am feeling crappy, it pops into my brain like an unwanted brain fart, (not that brain farts are wanted, but sometimes that’s the only activity going on in my noggin). It’s that little voice in my head that says. ‘You’re a loser. You should have accomplished more in your life by now’.
Here’s An Updated List of ‘Shoulds’
- I should feel better.
- I should feel happy.
- I should have shed the baby weight by now.
- I should be able to sleep!
- I should feel lucky that I can stay home with my rambunctious toddler, the bundle of joy that he is.
- And of course the biggie, ‘You should have accomplished more in your life by now.’
What a bunch of crap. But right this list feels as real as the fingers typing out this post. Even when I spell ‘should’ it looks plain wrong but that could be mom brain thing though. Lord help me.
Wake Up! You Should Feel Guilty
The culprit or the situation that brings the guilty feelings is this insomnia problem I seem to have. It pokes its gnarly finger into my side in the middle of the night, yelling at me to ‘wake up!’
The reason isn’t clear yet but somehow I think it’s tied to my quest of perfectionism. I call myself a recovering perfectionist but it seems that I will never be free of it. I think that because I am the mom that it is my responsibility to do all things that concern our son, especially in the middle of the night.
The Serious One has this bad habit of getting up in the night to tend to our son (who is now three and still waking up one, two or twenty times in the night), doing his best not to wake me. But of course most nights I still wake up.
He tells me that he wants me to sleep. That it’s important to him that I sleep. It is sweet that he does this to be sure, but I am riddled with guilt especially considering the toll it has taken on his health the past couple of years. I know why he does it though. Because I am a right cow to be around without some zzz’s under my belt. Poor guy!
Being a SAHM can mess with your mind as you often have too much time on your hands to think. Now it sounds like I am blaming motherhood. I’m not. I know it’s different for everyone. But I lived a full, baby-free life up until I was 42. I didn’t even know many babies before OLM much less spend time with any. I am still getting used to my role as a mother even after over three years. It just feels so surreal sometimes.
I never, ever, in my life thought I would be a mom. I never thought that I would want to be a mom. And, I never thought I would want to go back to work as badly as I want to now.
But I know, this too will pass. Or at least it should. Ha ha! Seriously though. When I think about what could be, or as the Serious One likes to say, ‘Think about it! It could be worse.’ (sometimes I want to throttle him when he says that) I realize that I have it pretty good.
It’s Time To Shed The Shoulds
First of all, this word needs to come out of my vocabulary for good. Second of all, when I feel crappy I will remind myself of the good stuff and be grateful.
Here’s The List Of Me Being Grateful
- I am grateful that my life has been blessed with a little guy who’s healthy and happy.
- I am grateful for my partner because he puts up with my crap and still loves me.
- I am grateful that I am able to stay home with OLM and not HAVE TO go to work.
- I am grateful that you are still reading this.
There is more but I won’t bore you. Talking about being grateful is one thing, but I don’t think you actually want to read about it. You came here to read about shitty ‘shoulds’, right? Thanks for reading.
Is there a word in your vocabulary you’d like to get rid of?
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This post was revived from the archives because the ‘should’s’ have resurfaced. Our son is now 4 and a half, rambunctious and healthy as ever, and we’re still chasing sleep. When will it end?