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Cyberbullying: It’s closer to home than you might think.

July 14, 2015 By Lee-Anne Leave a Comment

This post was submitted by Ranbir Puar. She recently did a Tedx Talk that really spoke to me. In thinking about my own son’s interactions on the playground I am reminded the source of his behaviour goes back to us. It is, after all, all he knows. Now I’m not being hard on myself, I just know that when he’s cranky he lashes out much like his mama and it’s time to change it. Thank you Ranbir for this. It really did hit home in the best of ways.

Kids today face a challenge unlike any that we experienced in previous generations. Cyberbullying.

At first glance, it may not seem to be a big deal, given that every generation of kids experiences adversarial peer relationships. But, if you dig a little deeper, you will likely find that this is a unique and widespread problem.

Believe it or not, many parents are not even aware that their child is being harassed online, or via text.

My guess is that many adults are so fried with information overload because of the “digital age” that they are just seeing waves of grey in their own lives …no colour. So, perhaps they assume their kids are experiencing life the same way? We didn’t grow up with the internet and smart phones…we grew up with direct human connections, so at a deeper level, this is a foreign world to us.

Cyberbullying can often start with small jabs or insults, and can quickly snowball into hurtful attacks with many others joining in for a little ‘fun’.

A 2009 survey¹ comparing online to in-person bullying found that approximately 80% of youth agree that online bullying is both easier to get away with and easier to hide from parents.

That is one of the reasons a bully picks this form of harassment: Keyboard courage.

My belief is that a person that has a strong self-image cannot bring him/herself to speak down to another human being. Those people who do not speak kindly to themselves, tend to do the same to others.

The interesting thing is that your self-image encompasses how you speak to yourself when you are alone with your thoughts…in other words, how you speak to yourself in a private space.

It makes sense to me why someone who speaks down to them themselves when they are alone with their thoughts would easily type harassing, derogatory or threatening words from behind a screen.

This is a serious problem that we can’t ignore. But, how can we most effectively change things? I believe that we need to educate our kids on the importance of developing a strong self-image.

A strong self-image is the foundation your child builds her life on. With a strong self-image, a child can see clearly that the derogatory comments are coming from a place of lack within the bully….not a place of lack within them.

In my TEDx talk, I discuss how a person that bullies lacks emotional nourishment. When they can’t find that nourishment at home they look for validation in other ways.

How do we end cyberbullying? By getting to the root of the problem: kids with low self-image are crying out for guidance.

If your child is acting like a bully, do an audit of the emotional balance in your home…focus on how you communicate with your partner and kids.

If your child is being bullied, reach out to him/her and support her. Ask for help. Many of my clients are teens that have experienced bullying. When they are given some clarity on their self-image, things turn around powerfully and usually quite quickly.

Cyberbullying is widespread and it’s toxic. The first step to ensure your child’s safety and well-being is to ensure your child feels emotionally nourished.

The next step is to create a home where you welcome open communication. This may sound trite, but open communication means speaking without judgment. It means speaking to your child with the same respect you would give your best friend or top client.

For example, don’t rush to saying…”you see, that is why I tell you to get rid of that phone or computer…you are on it so much…” instead try saying, “If something happens, make sure you talk to me about it. I am here for you.”

A strong self-image for your child is the key to countering cyberbullying. Help strengthen your children so they have the tools to manage todays’ reality.

¹ Cox Communications Teen Online and Wireless Safety Survey in Partnership with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, 2009

About Ranbir Puar

Ranbir’s journey was born of a deep desire to transform despair into destiny. Her passion for empowering others led to the development of Spirituality for Reality Inc., an organization that focuses on integrating mind, body and spirit to instill positive self-image in children and adults. Ranbir’s unique ability to get to the heart of the matter in a highly intuitive yet pragmatic and direct way has enabled her clients to achieve clarity and make dramatic changes in their lives. ~ Ranbir Puar Creator, Realist, Light-Bearer, TEDx Speaker.

You can connect with Ranbir on Twitter and on her site Spirituality for Reality.

If you’d like to read other posts similar to this on Mom Paradigm, please click HERE.

FEAR | Why we need to embrace IT

April 17, 2015 By Lee-Anne 4 Comments

FEAR sucks. It’s scary and it stops up in our tracks. We can run from it, and most of us do, but we can’t hide from it. Not really. So I’ve decided that I want to share with you my biggest fear. And I am hoping that you will do the same. But more on that later.

‘The thing you fear the most is exactly the thing you need to face in order to become the person that your world needs from you to heal.’ In other words, your potential as the wonderful and amazing person you are has not been actualized when you live behind your FEAR.

We are all fearful at some point in our lives. Some people feel FEAR to such a degree that they are paralysed by it while some people face it head on, overcome it and then go about living their dreams.

What makes the people who face their fear so different from the rest of us?

They are not afraid of the FEAR. They instinctively know that when they are afraid their mind is telling them to pay attention. And so they do. I want to be one of these people.

I believe we can all learn how to do this, it’s just a matter of adjusting our self talk. And when you have faith that there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel you can explore the valuable lessons it will show you.

My hope is that we discover that exploring FEAR can heal us in our relationships and in our lives and to show us just how awesome we really are.

So here’s my post about fear. I hope you enjoy it. And if you like, you can write your own post about a fear you have and add it to the linky list at the bottom of the post.

The thing I fear most is…‘I will never love myself enough to be happy.’

I’ve struggled with this statement most of my life, in fact, my definition of love in general is broken. I am constantly reminding myself that ‘you can’t love someone until you love yourself first’ but often find myself unsure of how exactly to do that.

There were many circumstances from my young life that caused me pain and affected my belief in myself. And while my way of adapting to the terrible things that happened resulted in a very negative self concept, it doesn’t have to be true now. The problem is that my mind is still stuck in a way of thinking from when I was about six years old. And when I was at that tender age, fear really took hold of my life.

Now that I am older and somewhat wiser, I know that the experiences I’ve had in my journey to today shaped me into the person I am. And although sometimes the pain I suffered was unbearable at times, I am still here and I am a better person for it.

I have a beautiful family and a wonderful life and when I look at it from that perspective I feel much better. But there’s still the fear that points to the experiences I suffered as a child. It still clouds my mind and overwhelms me when I am facing changes that are good, bad or otherwise. So here’s are two strategies I am working with.

How I am learning to conquer the fear of not loving myself enough to be happy

When I hear the swirling thoughts in my head that tell me I am unloveable…

I listen for a few moments.
I try to catch the hurtful phrases that have been playing over and over and have defined how I think about myself.
Then I tell myself that I AM loveable.
I tell myself that I CAN love myself enough to be happy.

The next strategy is a new one.

I believe that in order to heal the pain of feeling unloved for so many years I have to turn my attention to the little girl who resides in my thoughts. I am still learning how to do this but I pay homage to her by acknowledging how lost, abandoned and abused she was and I tell her that it’s okay to cry and to feel the pain.

When she’s ready to hear it, I tell her she is safe and that there’s no one left to hurt her. I tell her she is surrounded by people who love her for who she is.

When I practice these strategies I always feel a tightness in my chest that I know is the pain. But I repeat these exercises a few times until the tightness lifts and I can breathe without restriction. And then I take a deep breath and let the sadness fade away. Sometimes, it lingers but that’s ok.

When this doesn’t work, I often turn to meditation to calm my thoughts. But often I think that maybe I am just too broken.

Why we need to embrace FEAR

I am 47 years old and feel it sometimes, but when I feel that pain in my chest and in my heart I am 6 years old again. I try to remind myself that the 6 year old girl that still resides in me did not put those self-defeating thoughts in my head. She wasn’t strong enough in her own mind to have faith in herself back then. When I remind myself that I am a work in progress I can choose to believe that I can create a new story for her.

I need to embrace the FEAR for her, so she can be free.

‘Don’t hold your awesomeness back from the world. It needs you to shine that light and show it the way.’

Thank you for reading. Have you written a post about fear in your life? Would you like to?

I’d love to publish it here on the blog. Shoot me an email! Leeanne@momparadigm.com.

Contribute to #MPcommunity

December 30, 2014 By Lee-Anne 2 Comments

I started this blog as a way to understand the monumental challenge becoming a mother at 43 would be. I was unprepared, overwhelmed and at the same time excited to join the ranks of mothers around the world. It’s been rewarding and at times tumultuous but I wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

In the few years I’ve been a mother I’ve grown as a writer. To even say ‘I am a writer’ is still uncomfortable at times because I never thought I could put a decent sentence together never mind enjoy writing. I’ve come to realize that I was a writer who didn’t write. When I look back on my life there has always been a small part of me that wished I could do it well but was never brave enough to take the leap.

But I’m here now. And I love it!

My vision for this blog is to continue sharing stories about mothering and how I/we, as women, raise ourselves along the way. You’ll find subject matter you can relate to, not only as a mother but as a woman, a friend and as a human.

The stories shared here have helped me connect more deeply to myself as a woman. It is through the writing I learn about who I am and what I yearn for. Love. Connection. Acceptance.

You’ve told me that this means something to you too. So I’d like to offer you the opportunity to share your stories.

Contribute to the #MPcommunity

Inspiration comes in many forms. Whether its fact-filled lessons learned, humour or the tough stuff that makes it hard to wake up in the mornings when you write from the heart you’ll grow into the human, not just the mother or the friend you know you can be.

It can be messy, this life, but without the mess we wouldn’t find joy. I suppose it’s a yin-yang thang.

Get inspired and help others to stand up and share the struggles, the pain and triumphs.

[Tweet “Are you a mother? Do you want a safe place to share your stories? Be part of the #MPcommunity”]

I am accepting guest posts, anonymous or otherwise. You can write one story or contribute regularly, it is up to you. So have a look around. If you like what you see, drop me a line at leeanne@momparadigm.com

Join the #MPcommunity today!

Follow Mom Paradigm on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest. And if you haven’t already, join the email list!

How your vote on 11/15 honours Canadian soldiers and BC public education

November 10, 2014 By Lee-Anne Leave a Comment

Photo courtesy of Jodi Green

Anyone who has been following the politics around BC public education and the upcoming civic elections on November 15th knows how important it is to pay close attention to what is being said (or not said) and to exercise your right to vote.

This year more than ever people are paying attention to local politics but I’m afraid that it’s not enough. There are unprecedented numbers of candidates vying for positions of local government including mayoral, parks board and school districts where you live. We could see a lot of change happening for the good but it’s up to us as voters to see to it that good people with agendas other than the status quo are elected.

So please find out where you can vote and take a friend or family member who is also eligible to vote to the polling station with you.

The Power of Social Media

If you knew me before you’d know I stayed far away from politics until the Spring of this year. For the most part I was ignorant to what was going on despite my partner’s insistence (he’s a public school teacher) that I pay attention. It was only when the crisis in BC public education reached critical mass resulting in the lock out and teacher’s strike that would last many weeks that I got involved. I realized that I couldn’t keep my head stuck in the sand any longer. I believe in democracy and the constitution, I just didn’t realize that by doing nothing I was risking everything. It was time to find a way to make a difference.

I started following the conversation around education on Twitter using the hashtag #bced. I took a petition, 6,600 signatures (now 8,800) strong to Victoria that demonstrated a huge amount of support from parents (and grandparents) for BC Teachers. And this space was used for those who wanted to share their stories.

This little blog soon became a place for teachers, parents and concerned citizens to share their personal stories anonymously or otherwise. I collaborated on a post that contained a long list of class size and composition data that went viral and published a couple posts that outlined the harsh reality of deep budget cuts in school districts that couldn’t afford to heat their buildings or buy toilet paper.

I realized how powerful this collective effort to fight for our teachers was and that not only was it about supporting our teachers but defending our right to democracy in this province and in this country.

Not only did teachers, parents and students rise up to the challenge to gather support and to open the eyes of the public but that power extended further than anyone could anticipate. It was amazing to be part of a group of like-minded people who believed they could make a difference.

Never before had the topic of the lack of public education funding in BC and the politics around it been so profoundly impacted by media. I am proud to say that this blog and my efforts made a difference. And that the Liberals are still reeling from the mess they created is also a good thing.

Unfortunately we still have a lot of work to do as our public education system is far from fixed. It is still broken mainly because our Charter of Rights and Freedoms was violated when the Liberals ripped up the Teacher’s contract in 2002.

But what you may have forgotten is the connection between this and Remembrance Day. It is an important but before I get into that I want to share a short insight into how our education system is still failing our kids.

A few weeks ago I was contacted by an Education Assistant from Surrey. She was becoming increasingly worried and frustrated that her workload and the support for students continues to be stretched, even though ‘there is more money in education than ever’ (I’m paraphrasing something Premier Clark has repeated over and over).

Here’s what this EA wrote.

EA

Morning,
I thought I’d share with you since you were so active during the teacher’s strike I’m an EA the position I now have only had 10 kids with it last year. This year I have 25 students! 13 classes that I rotate between. I have 19 students in 1 days rotation. What does this mean? Some kids only get 15 minutes of support!

Me

Holy crap. That’s a lot. I can put a post together and include this. If you want to write something about it I would be happy to publish it as well. Are you in the North Van SD (school district)?

EA

I work for Surrey, the biggest growing district… you think they would give us hours and funding.

We chatted a bit but we lost touch until she sent me an update two weeks later…

EA

Okay so the fun continues I will be up to 26 students next week. I have more students I’m trying to help that most primary teachers, even some intermediate teachers. The worst is we can’t tell parents how their kids hours are being divided. Your kid might be getting full-time but their hours are being piggy backed into other kids so really your kids is only getting half the coverage they should.

*end rant* can you tell I am grumpy? Trying to find a way to support my students and their needs but this is hard. I’m almost at a loss for words for what to say.

I’ll help any way I can. May have to be anonymous for fear of my job.

The Crisis in #BCED is far from over

And you thought that the crisis in BC public education was over? Not by a long shot. In fact I would suggest that this EA’s story is not unusual as she probably speaks for many more out there. It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better and until we know the outcome of the Supreme Court of BC Appeal ruling that was heard last month it will continue to get worse.

And that is the worst part of all of this. Our democracy is at risk and we cannot let that happen. So what can we do?

If you are a parent or a teacher or a student, please continue in your fight to stop propping up the system by funding it yourself. Help your colleagues and friends by talking about what is really going on in the classroom. Don’t put another nickel of your hard-earned money into a system that is relying on you to do exactly that.

And if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for those whose lives were lost.

Remembrance Day: Remember those whose lives were lost

Remembrance Day is a day to reflect on what our forefathers and mothers gave up to secure democracy and freedom for our country. It is a day of mourning and deep sadness for those who lost loved ones in the wars. This year is of particular importance as we remember the tragedy of Corporal Nathan Cirillo, an honour guard who lost his life in Ottawa last month.

We can honour those whose lives were lost by being proactive in our communities today. I believe our veterans would be proud to know that we are exercising our right to vote in support of democracy.

Vote in the BC Civic Election on Saturday November 15th

Do you know who your candidates are? Go to CivicInfo BC’s website and enter your city or town to see the list of candidates. In some districts there are also important referendum questions you need to familiarize yourself with.

Also, go on social media, tell your stories and show you care. If you have a story you’d like to share on this site please email me at leeanne@momparadigm.com.

I was not compensated for this post and all the opinions are my own. Please Vote on November 15th 2014!